I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
