Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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