Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
After tacos, we're chasing women.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize