I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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