I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
