Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
