oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize