so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he puts the penis in happiness.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
