I wish you could order shots online.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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