honey bunches of taint.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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