I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
