there's paper in my vomit.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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