Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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