My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
