Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
