Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
