I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His nipple licking is glorious
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