I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize