Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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