Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize