you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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