I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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