i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
