So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
