Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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