i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
