Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
