i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
