Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
