I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
