Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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