I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
