Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
