He disabled his match.com account in front of me
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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