If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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