i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
