Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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