How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
