whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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