So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
