Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize