I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize