I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
