I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
