I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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