my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
