none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
