Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize
