Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
