I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Randomize
