my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
