Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
