fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
