I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
