I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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