i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
