hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
