Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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