Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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