You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
