The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
