Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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