matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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