My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
